Christmas Day in the Morning
by CloZack PASSION
Summary: [Shounenai Zack x Cloud] Cloud feels abandoned by Zack, who is once again called away on a mission, only this time on Christmas Eve... AFTER he promised to spend the night with Cloud. Will he be able to make up for it in time? [COMPLETELY COMPLETE]
1. Christmas Eve

((A/N: Another attempt at a Shounen-Ai/Yaoi fic. It's probably gonna not be so good, but I really wanna write it. Well, I really just wanna write a CloudxZack fic. I love that couple.... they're so adorable...anyways I'll write now! Please Read an' Review))

Another night alone.

How often was it this same old hurt, resting in the pit of Cloud Strife's stomach? How often did he feel alone and rejected? And for the simple fact that the one he loved was a First Class SOLDIER.

He knew, in his heart of hearts, Zack never asked for the assignments. He knew that First Class SOLDIERs, especially ones like Zack, were hard to find and needed more than the rest. Yet it still hurt. Every night he went to the apartment and found the usual array of hastily discarded civilian clothes and missing uniform a familar pain settled in.

He pulled the overstuffed down comforter around himself, longing for a warmth deeper than it would provide. He had no idea when Zack would return, and in the back of his mind even if. Cloud knew the danger of some missions... every mission with the AVALANCHE terrorist group at large now.

He shuddered at the mere thought as reached for the remote control and clicked on the small color television a few feet in front of him. Some old black and white Christmas special was showing - The kind everyone had seen a hundred times at least and recognized at once. A new chill set in his stomach.

The holidays were supposed to be a time for being together with the ones you love. Or at least that's what Cloud took the as. Perhaps he was wrong, and they really _were _just another ploy by big business and marketing to get his money.

Well... it was successful.

Cloud had dished out close to two thousand gil on gifts for Zack. Pretty much every thing he could find that would remotely interest his slightly older lover : A few books, some movies, and the special materia orb that cost most of his money.

As far as he knew, it had no real use. But in that way, it was completely unique. An old peddler in Kalm town was selling it for 1200 gil, and something about it called out to Cloud. The perfect, endless black of the orb was mesmorizing, and he knew it was something Zack would like.

"Stupid fucking Christmas." Cloud murmered under his breath as he switched through the channels. It was Christmas eve... every channel would have its host of Christmas specials. Tears burned at his eyes, a whole new wave if disappointment setting over him. He missed Zack more than on any other night. He'd braced himself for the paint he knew he would feel, but it still hurt just as much.

It hurt even more. He couldn't help but hurt, even as he willed the pain to go away. He begged the invisible tormenter, which he named as his cold, breaking heart. Why was it breaking? Zack had no control over when he would be called away. He kept reminding himself this, but a part of him screamed at him.

A hurt, rejected part of his heart told him that he was only being used. That Zack was spending the night with another... someone he truely loved. Perhaps Sephiroth.

Sephiroth. The very name caused Cloud to cringe. He knew vaugely of the relationship he'd once shared with the man he now called his love. Zack never went into details, but was sure Sephiroth had simply discarded him for a time, and would eventually call him back.

Maybe Sephiroth was lonely too.

Maybe the one that seemed to be such a heartless demon actually had a soul, feelings, a heart like the rest of them. Maybe he was hurting and needed Zack at _his _side. But more than Cloud did right now? He doubted it.

But now his mind was sure that Zack was there, spending the night with the Silver-haired General. The one who could kill a man with a flick of his wrist. He was sure that this was the one Zack desired... not some scrawny recruit who couldn't take down even a marlboro if his life depended on it.

The tears fell.

Burning hot and one at a time they trickled down his cheeks. Cloud felt they were singing a trail, they burnt so white-hot. Why was he always the one left behind? The one who would always be rejected, discarded, left alone to deal with his pain? Why was it always him?

Outside he heard a stomping of boots approaching from the far end of the hall. His heart raced in unwanted anticipation, and Cloud willed it back, turning up the TV until he could no longer hear it. It would just be someone else, home for the holiday with their own loved ones, going into their own home with a smile on their face.

More tears came as the footsteps became louder. The volume went up again. Hope started rising and falling again. Zack wouldn't be home. Why was he even hoping it? Just setting himself up for another disapointment.

Why did he bother hoping?

The thought scared him. He'd once heard, though he couldn't recall where, that if one lost hope all else would soon follow.

What was wrong with him? When had he started feeling like this?

The sound was approaching again and he finally turned off the television, succumbing to the flow of boiling tears. The steps pounded in his head, haunting him. He urged them to reach their home so he would no longer be cursed with the sound of them, stomping along without consideration for anyone else.

They did.

Cloud's heart stopped as he heard the doorknob turning and the door creaking open. There was always that little squeak as opened. Zack was there. Cloud was sitting there, sobbing into a big blanket like a little girl. He'd probably turn and leave.

"Cloud" the familiar voice called, "You here?" Cloud huddled in the blanket, somehow thinking that if he did this Zack wouldn't notice him... wouldn't see how weak he really was.

"Y-yeah..." his voice cracked a little as he spoke and his cheeks went violent shades of red. Soon Zack would be by his side, like whenever he came home. He'd shed his shoes and probably his shirt, then join him on the couch.

Zack frowned as he did just as Cloud had predicted. His snow-covered boots had been shed near the front door, and he was now tossing his jacket and shirt across the room into a corner already piled with two or three of the same.

"What's up?" he asked, a bit of concern in his face. Cloud's head peeked out of the blanket, and he instantly recognized the the pink in his eyes and the half-dried rivers on his cheeks.

"Nothing..." Cloud said a little to quickly, looking away in some last hope that Zack wouldn't notice the tears.

"You were crying." He stated simply, taking his usual seat next to Cloud and turning the boy to face him. He wiped away the remaining wet streaks with his thumb, a deeper concern in his eyes now.

"My eyes were just watering.... I think I must be coming down with a cold or something." his cheeks flushed as they always did when he lied - something Zack had long since learned.

"Try again, babe." his voice was soft and kind and he made no moves to run out. Why had Cloud even thought he would do something like that? Maybe it's what he would've done if _he _was stronger... if Zack was the needy and weak one. He hated himself for being this way, even if it was only in his thoughts.  
"I just.... thought you wouldn't be here." he whispered, looking down. There was more to it than this, but it wasn't important that he said this. He didn't need to sound any worse than he already did, crying just over Zack not being home for Christmas. It was just some stupid holiday... it really didn't mean anything at all. Then why did it hurt so much more than usual?

"That's it?" Zack asked skeptically. He'd known, and loved, Cloud for close to a year now, and never before had him being called away had such an effect on him. Or had it? Had he just never seen it before? Had Cloud been crying alone every time he had to leave?

"It's Christmas Eve." Cloud said with a shrug, "And you promised we'd spend the day together. I know it's stupid... it's not like you have any control over when they call you or something. I'm just being stupid." he grumbled, inwardly kicking himself. Why did he have to break down like that? Zack would never intentionally hurt him, and now he would have to go through that very lecture. He'd been upset by him before, and it was always the same 'I didn't ask to have to go' talk. He felt like a child whenever he heard it, and perhaps that's all Zack saw him for because of it.

"I'm sorry." It was the first time Zack had apologized to Cloud, though he thought now that he should have long ago. One night couldn't have sparked this by itself. "I asked for the day off, but it's only a formality. You know that. They don't give a damn if you're off or on..." he sighed, "But I shouldn't have gone. I could've taken a few points... done some overtime later on...." it wasn't entirely true. He would probably endure quite a punishment for refusing a mission, but it wasn't as if they would kick him out for one stupid thing.

"It doesn't matter." Cloud flashed him a smile. It mattered. God, how it mattered. But that wasn't important right now. He didn't want Zack to feel guilty about something he couldn't change, "You're still here now, so it's not like you were gone for Christmas itself or something." It didn't cheer Zack up, though. What was close to a year of idocy on his part was catching up to him. There was no way he'd be able to make it up to him. No way he could make things right after this. He was constantly hurting him, and it dug hard into his heart.

"It _does _matter. And I know it's not just today... it's every time it's happened since we've been together. Don't think I don't know it's not just tonight. I'm an asshole for making promises. I know from the start there's no way I can actually keep them.... I don't think I'm fit for this relationship." he finally muttered, this truth hitting him hard. He couldn't give Cloud what he needed, no matter how hard he tried. Just loving the boy wasn't gonna do shit for him. He needed support - and that he was unfit to provide.

"No." Cloud whispered, a sudden pain ravaging his heart. Zack was leaving him... he was right. Every seemingly unfound fear was right. Zack was leaving him, "No..." he repeated, the tears coming back. They burnt down his cheeks, white hot again. He would be alone again... he couldn't take it. He knew he couldn't.

"It's for your own good, Cloud." Zack whispered, pain in his eyes as he stood. Cloud's body trembled as he stood. This was his que to leave, of course. Christmas Eve, and Zack had dumped him. Left him alone for Christmas.

"You have no idea what's good for me, then." Cloud whispered, stumbling out of the apartment. He left his coat, the gifts, even his boots there. His feet were bare other than a pair of socks, but it didn't occur to him even as he reached the lobby and after that the square.

The cold would've been shocking and the pain on in his bare limbs unbarable had he not found himself completely numb. The Shinra dorms were on the opposite side of the square, and snow clung eagerly to Cloud's tight T shirt and jeans, melting when they touched his skin.

It took a full ten minutes to even reach the building, and another five to get up to his dorm. He walked in and collapsed onto his bed, not even bothering to shed the wet clothes. He drifted into a state of unconciousness within moments, his door wide open.

((A/N: Of course there will be another chapter, but I doubt there will be any more beyond that. This is just a little ficlet thingy that I decided I'd do since I'm dying of boredom and lack of peoplage.))


	2. Christmas day in the Morning

((A/N: I guess this one may be a little racier, but I don't think it deserves an R rating... I don't know... I hope I don't get in trouble....))

Pile of books were stacked all around Zack, and he burried himself in the first one that sounded somewhat relevent. There would be an test and field exam at the begining January. It was through these tests rather than battlefield merit that ranks were earned. If he could pass this test better than the three others vying for the position, he would be a General.

There would me more missions. In fact, he could probably sacrifice the apartment all-together. Hours before, he would've never conisdered even taking the test. Now, he was looking for anything to get his mind off what just happened. He already missed Cloud. It was Christmas Eve... no, now it was probably well mast midnight. It was Christmas, and he was utterly alone.

"What are you doing here at this time of night?" The deep voice of one Sephiroth caught him completely off guard, "I mean... what about Strife? Don't you two got somethin' planned?" Zack cringed at the mere mention.

"I broke up with him." Zack said, matter-of-factly. Sephiroth took a seat next to him. The man looked wrong out of his usual outfit. Seeing the man in civilian clothing was almost surreal.

"What the hell did you do something like that?" the man looked genuinely surprised, "I thought you _loved _him." he spat back the words Zack had used long before when he broke it off between them.

"Shut up." Zack whispered, "You know damn well I love him. It's just...." he sighed, "...I can't give him what he needs. You know that. He's not the kind of person who can deal with me being gone all the time... I made a promise but I couldn't keep it. That kinda stuff hurts him bad." Honestly, Sephiroth was about the last person Zack wanted to talk to about this, but he was the only one available. Really, the only person close to him besides Cloud. And now Cloud was his past as well.

"So... you broke up with him because you love him and he needs you?" Sephiroth asked, looking slightly confused, "What the hell kind of logic is that?"

And the General... the one so many thought was a heartless bastard, had never been more right.

The first sense that returned to Cloud when he began to regain conciousness was the stabbing cold clinging to his body. It took him a few moments to puzzle out where he was, but the events of the night soon returned to him. More pain stabbed, this coldness coming from within.

"Fucking Christmas." he murmered, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and rubbing his eyes. The stung from tears he hazily remembered shedding. Even though the pain was real as could be, the events were hazy and diluted. All he knew was that Zack no longer wanted him. The day he had been constantly dreading had come to pass, and the pain was infinitely worse than he could've ever imagined.

He was still wet, his clothes seeming a lot less dry than they should have been after what must've been at least hours of sleep. He let out a groan, running his fingers through his hair. Everything stung despite its numbness. His eyes burnt and his heart throbbed with pain. His first attempt to warm himself was shedding the skin-tight black T shirt, then the equally tight-fitting jeans. He hesitated a moment, though he wasn't sure why, before shedding the boxers as well. He looked over his body, which actually held a bluish cast.

"No wonder." he laughed slightly, even as he criticized himself. "Sephiroth probably made me look like a midget..." he mumbled as he stood, stretching a little before he padded off into the attatched bathroom and started the shower, waiting for the hot water to reach its full blast before stepping in. He barely cringed as the scaulding water hit his skin, causing steam to rise instantly off his body and clouding the bathroom.

The painfully hot water felt good on his pale, now reddening, skin. It washed away the events of the previous night... pushed aside, for a brief moment, the pain his former lover had caused him.

And that was his exact goal, even as the burning pain began to set in.

Zack arrived at Cloud's apartment with two large bags full of wrapped gifts. Though he was outwardly confident, his heart was praying that Cloud would take him back. He had absolutely no reason to do this, but Zack could still hope. He prayed Cloud would understand that he was sorry, that he never meant it the way Cloud took it, that he needed Cloud even more than Cloud needed him.

When he reached the door to Cloud's small dorm, he found a peculiar sight. His door was wide open, steam pouring out of the room. Zack frowned inwardly as he let himself in and closed the door behind him. The dorm was a wreck, as usual, and Zack noticed a wet trail as he kicked off his shoes and headed into Cloud's room. He found his wet clothes from the night before on his bed, equally soaked, and saw massive amounts of steam rolling out of the bathroom with the slightly opened door.

"Cloud..." he called, a little worry in his voice. How the hell hot was the water to make so much steam? "...you alright!?"

Cloud smiled to himself. He swore he heard Zack's voice, but was sure it was merely another trick his mind was playing on him. Maybe he was going insane... would things be better that way? He was becoming more and more aware of the near-boiling water pelting his back and was breathing harder in the pain. His skin prickled and he was sure he was breaking out in a sweat.

"Cloud, are you okay in there!?" The voice was louder now, and he was sure the room was clearing of steam. Had the door opened? He knew Zack wasn't really there...

"CLOUD!" The voice screamed now. Zack was fanning his way through the heavy steam when he pulled Cloud forcefully out of the shower. His entire body was beat-red, his eyes the only exception, and even they held a pinkish cast. "What the hell were you doing?"

Cloud felt woozy, and was sure he'd passed out and was actually a heap at the bottom of the shower stall. He was probably dying from heat... perhaps he was drowning. His lungs did scream out in that kind of pain.

"Zack..." he mumbled, wrapping his arms around the man for support. He stumbled and slipped around on the wet floor like a drunkard, but Zack supported his weight fully.

"Cloud..." he murmered, pulling the boy out of the room and laying him out on the bed. Cloud gazed up at him with a dazed look in his eyes. Zack just shook his head and retreated to the bathroom to turn of the shower water and grab some towels for his young love. He quickly wrapped one around his waist and sat him up, drying his upper body with the other.

".....why... are... you... here?" Cloud mumbled, a sudden weariness spreading over him. Had he actually slept that night? It seemed now that he may have remained in one of those miserable stupors for the entirity of his PM hours, and was now about to drop at any moment.

"To apologize." Zack grunted, rubbing the towel over Cloud's shoulders and chest. He could actually feel the boy's heart pumping out against his hand as he dried his thin chest, "And get you cooled down, I suppose." he added with a sigh. What the _hell _ was Cloud thinking?

"heh. You....shouldn't apologize.... it's my fault."

"Like hell...." Zack murmered, leaning down and drying Cloud's legs, then going back up and ravaging his wild mess of blond hair, "You know damn well it was just me being an idiot. Now take me back like a good little boy." A smile crossed his lips and he had the sudden urge to kiss Cloud, but thought better of it. He was probably still upset with him from the night before.

"You know I already have." Cloud smiled, leaning back against Zack as his eyes fell shut. He didn't know what was real and what was just a dream, though he believed Zack's presence to be the latter. "Let's just have a good Christmas day." he added, a smile on his face. The bright color was finally begining to leave his skin, though he still looked burnt in some places. Zack noticed this and made a mental note to grab some sort of lotion next time he went to the store.

"Thanks, babe." Zack brushed his neck with a gentle kiss, "You don't know how sorry I am..." he now stood and went to Cloud's dresser, retrieving a pair of boxers for him. "Now put these on..." he tossed them onto Cloud's lap. Cloud stared blankly at them for a moment before he seemed to snap back into reality and shook his head to clear it. He stood and turned away from Zack as he pulled them on. It was a meaningless move, since Zack had already seen everything Cloud had to hide... on several occasions. Zack couldn't help to smile at the boy and pulled him into his arms once he finished.

"What time is it?" Cloud asked, burrying his face into Zack's chest and wrapping his arms around his waist in return.

"About nine... it's still early. You can sleep for a bit if you want to still...." Zack suggested.

"No way.... I wanna give you your gift..." Cloud pulled back, a wide smile on his face when he looked into Zack's eyes. He lifted himself up on his toes and planted a kiss on his lips.

"You've got some too..." Zack laughed as Cloud dragged him out into the front room. Was it really this simple? Would Cloud really just take him back like this without a second thought? He found it comforting, but still felt guilty. He'd been an idiot to Cloud... he knew he really didn't deserve to be taken back. And still, he was. The young recruit was forgiving... perhaps overly so, but it didn't matter. Maybe after Christmas, when thoughts were no longer diluted with dreams of happiness and togetherness, he would come to his senses. Zack could only pray he didn't.

"Here....I'll go grab the bags... you sit." he smiled, pushing him back onto the couch. Zack dashed over to the door and grabbed the two huge bags, pulling them back with relative ease. "Here..." He tossed one of the bags into Cloud's arms and kept the other. "I seperated them, so let's just go!" They both grinned and neither took much time shredding the wrapping paper and opening all of the presents.

Cloud found himself in a sea of gauntlets and materia, various accessories, and a few hundred gil worth of various restoratives. These would be more than helpfull in his upcoming field exams. Zack was always so thoughtful, and he wish he'd found things better than the various aftersaves and colognes, the new leather gloves... and that materia. That perfectly black materia.

This gift seemed to catch the attention of Zack as well, as he held it between two fingers, examining it closely.

"Holy shit, Cloud.... is this thing real?" he asked, wonder in his voice. He'd heard of a black materia from some instructors a while back, but everyone thought it just a myth. Could this really be the legendary magic that would give its owner all the power in the world... the one materia that even rivaled Holy?

"For what I payed, I'd hope so." Cloud laughed, wrapping his arms around Zack and resting his chin on his shoulder. "I hope it's not too shitty... I mean... I really didn't know _what _to get you..." Zack shook his head, his eyes still wide with amazement.

"Real or not... it's pretty fuckin' awesome... I think I'll have to try it out on the next exam date...." he said with a grin. Cloud knew he was talking about the next time he was forced to take a few rankless recruits out to see if they were worth keeping. He also knew that there was little to no chance that he would be included in this next group. His skills seemed to be notably below the rest of the group, and he often wondered why he was still there. Maybe Zack was using his rank to pull strings and keep him there... the thought depressed him, but he refused to let it get to him on this day, turning out to be perfect.

"I think the guys will be impressed if it _is _real." Cloud offered a smile along with the words.

"Well.... I know I am...." Zack responded, planting a kiss on Cloud's forehead, "...Merry Christmas, Cloud."

Cloud cuddled himself into Zack's chest, the warmth comforting. Zack reached over and wrapped a blanket around them as well, the bags of presents down at their feet. Zack hoisted himself up into a half-laying down position and Cloud shifted his weight almost automatically.

"Merry Christmas Zack."

((A/N: Wow... I'm really really REALLY ungood at this whole ending business, but at least I got it done in time . I think I'll put a real summary on now, too...

Anyways, thanks to the few of you who reviewed... it makes me think that maybe I can pull of a m/m coupling. nn; I guess I've created a monster within myself...))


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